June 17, 2021

Ivanka Trump Confides: ‘I’m Running for President in 2024’

Now that our dear leader President Donald J. Trump has accepted the fact that he lost the election and he is headed back to Florida in January, his only daughter Ivanka Trump has confided in a friend that she will run for President in 2024.

Her dear friend — if by “dear friend” we mean her housekeeper who accidentally walked in when Ivanka was making Vogue poses in front of her full-length, six-panel, wraparound mirror and speaking words of self-affirmation like “I’m a Trump, and people love Trumps, and I’m good enough, and I’m running for President in 2024!”

(Back to that mirror for a second — yes, it’s a mirrored booth that Ivanka walks into every morning to prepare herself for the day. A booth. For her to admire herself. And talk to herself. Every day. Yep.)

The housekeeper who stumbled across Ivanka’s cringeworthy self-affirmation exercise is new on the job, which isn’t unexpected, given that Ivanka has a fierce temper, no one can stand to work for her, and everyone quits after a couple of weeks.

(One gardener lasted almost four weeks, but that was just because he’s hearing-impaired and couldn’t hear her tirades about how he needed to make Ivanka’s sunflowers face HER all day long, which isn’t a thing that sunflowers do.)

The hapless housekeeper then made the mistake of telling her friend, Sandy Batt, what she had overheard. Sandy Batt, a known connoisseur of canned American beer and hate for all things Trump, promptly shared the news on social media.

“Ivanka Trump is running for President in 2024! She seems to think that the majority of Americans love her and her family, which is absolutely hilarious, considering that her corrupt father lost the popular vote in 2016, and he lost both the popular vote and the electoral vote in 2020.

Her grifer father’s last name is the only reason anyone even knows who the hell she is. May they all rot in prison.”

Good luck to you, Ivanka. Keep up with those affirmations. You’ll never get a majority.

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