April 19, 2021

Lindell Relocates to Georgia to Run for Governor

You’ve seen his smiling face all over the media during the 2020 election season.  He worked tirelessly to help President Donald Trump try to save America from it’s own worst faults.  Although that effort failed due to still controversial results, Mike Lindell is not giving up.

The MyPillow CEO announced his intentions during a press conference at the Minnesota Performing Farts Center, first opening with a strident condemnation of Twitter, who recently removed him from their outlet permanently.  Lindell is a staunch supporter of a theory that Trump was cheated out of an election win by secret communist space ninjas who came to earth from planet Zippernuts in flying jet tampons or some shit like that.

Sandy Batt, co-author of Lindell’s biography : “Inventing a Pillow With Crack Money”, told assembled media figures that the Down’s-Syndrome Burt Reynolds sees Georgia as a vital political hotspot.

“The Republican party of truth, justice, and rich white people needs it’s Georgia back.  Georgia is almost like an Israel for white people.  And White Jerusalem needs a Jesus.  That’s how Mike thinks.

Being a Pillow millionaire, or as he prefers, ‘Pillionaire’, means that like Trump, Mike will be beholden to no one.  He can afford to run his own campaign and not take donations from special interests.  Actually, don’t hold us to that one because the business is kind of tanking right now because some people think he’s a little wackadoodle.  Also, a lot of people figured out that a pillow is four dollars at any Wal-Mart.”

Lindell maintains that his particular pillows are far better engineered due to the dreams he followed in which Jesus Christ himself instructed him on the product’s particulars.  These visions, again, were produced by the crack.

Can the Cotton-humping King convince the peach state to snuggle up to his leadership?  We can only hope Donald Trump’s own personal fluffy moustached Sancho Panza can float in on the ass of an angel.

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